how very lucky to be a girl

Yesterday, I bought my first pack of cigarettes in probably a year.  I chain smoked them.  I used to be a smoker.  I don’t want to be a smoker.  But it was a bad day.  I was hurt and I was crying.

I’d felt empowered earlier.  I’d put an end to the dysfunction of whatever it was Adonis Snuffleupagopoulos and I had been doing.  I’d felt good about it.

And then I got a text.  From Mr. Wednesday.  It had been a week and a half since I’d seen him.  I was excited for our date today.

Hey weirdo!  Why you so silent on weekends?

I smiled.  I was happy to hear from him.

Weirdo?  Not silent.  Just been super busy.  Friday night I had the gala.  Spent Saturday cleaning my best friend’s apartment because it was damaged in the fire next door.  Saturday night my dear friend was in town visiting from Holland.  We were out until the wee hours.  I’m exhausted.  Still in bed.

And Sunday?  Well Sunday started out full.  But then I was in bed.  Crying and chain smoking.  Because I was feeling rejected.  But we’ll get to that.

How was your weekend?

He didn’t respond to that text for nearly half an hour.

She’s back!  I was in the shower.  My weekend was cool.  Did a lot of writing so far.  Sometimes it’s too solitary.

I understood this.  He didn’t know that.

Perhaps that’s why many writers are drunks :-p

Hey – can we go out downtown tomorrow?  I forgot that I have an appointment in Soho until 7:45.

So far everything seemed normal.

Nah.  Let’s not meet up.  It doesn’t feel right anymore.

What?

Are you serious?

I was stunned.

Very.

Still stunned.

And you’re going to tell me that by TEXT?  After I ASKED?  I thought you had more decency than that.  I’m disappointed.

I really, really was.  I know that I was questioning my physical attraction for Wednesday’s Child.  But I really liked him.  A lot.  I was hoping an attraction would grow.

I’m disappointed, too.

What happened?

I don’t understand.

No reply.

You know what – don’t bother to explain.  If you can’t tell me on the phone or to my face I don’t wish to know.  You have just hurt my feelings and you’ve done so in a way that feels cold and cowardly.  I wouldn’t have expected this from you.  At all.  Wow.

Now he was angry.

I don’t need a lesson from you on social behavior.  You do whatever you want but I can’t?

What was he talking about?  Then another text from him.

I’m surprised you care.  I was under the impression that it was the exact opposite.

And we’ve never spoken on the phone ever.

I know.  I’d been meaning to talk to him about this.  I don’t care for texts.

What on earth do you mean?  What have I done to you? You’ve never ever called me.  I don’t like texts, but I never wanted to tell you what to do.  Not my style.  So I played your way.

I guess that was a bad idea.

You weren’t playing my way because I don’t have a way at all.  I wish you would have said you don’t like it.

Well, I just had.  But no phone call.  The texts continued.  I wrote him back.

We went on one date and have had some really great banter online.  I like you.  I don’t know what happened between Friday and today that convinced you I don’t care but it seems too early to have to even deal with that kind of thing.  Yes I’m disappointed.  I’m disappointed you’ve never once called me.  I’m disappointed that you said you couldn’t go out with me on Wednesday and spent all night watching TV and e-mailing me.  I’m disappointed that you’ve decided you don’t want to see me again for some mysterious reason and seemingly wouldn’t have told me if I hadn’t asked.  I don’t understand at all, and you’re not saying anything of substance.  So I guess that’s it.  I’ll make other plans.  Take good care.  I’m sorry for whatever it is that you feel I did.

I didn’t hear back for over an hour.  And in that time I made other plans.  I liked him and I didn’t understand and my feelings were incredibly hurt.  But I didn’t respond to the texts that came the rest of the day.  If he wants to discuss this with me, he’ll have to call.

This was all compounded by the fact that it had been three days since my date with Mr. Rochester and he hadn’t called as he said he would.

So basically, I woke up Sunday morning with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  Excited that two seemingly wonderful men wanted a second date, and a third, sexy but not particularly nice one, did too.  I felt happy.  Desired.  And then in one fell swoop, they all vanished.  It was a lot of rejection for one day.  My heart hurt.

I know this is what happens in the dating game.  We’ve all been here.  And they all fail until one doesn’t.  But these never really got the chance, I don’t know why, and I’m sad about that.

Here’s what I’m not sad about:  I’m not sad about the fact that I’m open to love.  I’m not sad about the powerful physical attraction and fun that I had with Mr. Rochester.  I’m not sad about the fact that Wednesday’s Child reminded me how great it feels to be with someone when you just click.  I’m not sad that I was reminded of what really matters to me and that I believe in love and both the power and possibility of attraction.  I’m not sad that I had two really nice evenings with two men.

I leave town on Friday.  I’ll be working in Los Angeles for the next three weeks.  So, timing wasn’t in our favor to begin with.  I thought I’d have second dates this week.  I don’t.  But instead, I can have more time with my amazing friends, who always make me feel more wonderful than any date ever has.

I’ve turned off my dating profiles in preparation for my trip.  I won’t have time to correspond with men from here, or date men there.  I’ll start fresh when I’m back in mid-June.

There’s another thing I’m not sad about.  The man for me is out there.  I know he is.  I’ll find him.  So Sunday was a bad day.  But I’m still a lucky girl.

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