I’ve been struggling with how and when to tell you something,
was how it began.
It ended in a stream of my tears.
It’s been an unbelievably hard month in nearly every way imaginable and in many ways I could not possibly have imagined. There is much to be said when the time and words and strength are with me. One day, I will share with you.
As for how I’m feeling? I’ll let Sufjan Stevens tell you.
I Walked by Sufjan Stevens (from The Age of Adz)
Lover, will you look at me now?
I’m already dead to you,
But, I’m inclined to explain what I could not before
Whatever you didn’t do, what you couldn’t say
I am sorry the worst has arrived,
For I deserve more,
For, at least, I deserve the respect of a kiss goodbye.And tell me, do you think of me now,
As I think of you?
For I could not have shaken the touch of your breath on my arm.
For it has stayed in me, as an epithet,
I am sorry the worst has arrived,
For I’m on the floor,
In the room where we made it our last touch of the night.I walked, ’cause you walked,
And I won’t probably get very far,
Sensation to what you said,
But I’m not about to expect something more.
I would not have run off,
But I couldn’t bear that it’s me, it’s my fault?
I should not,
Be so lost,
But I’ve got nothing left to love.Lover, will you look from me now,
I’m already dead,
But I’ve come to explain why I left such a mess on the floor,
For when you went away, I went crazy
I was wild with the breast of a dog
I ran through the night,
With a knife in my chest with the lust of your loveless life.I walked, ’cause you walked,
But I won’t probably get very far,
Sensation to what you said,
But I’m not about to expect something more.
I would not have run off,
But I couldn’t bear that it’s me, it’s my fault?
I should not,
Be so lost,
But I’ve got nothing left to love.
I walked then. I’m still walking. It’s just that I feel tired and torn and a little bit lost.
.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a hard month. I hope that things get better soon.
sigh. it hurts me that you’re hurting like this. and while i hope you are on the mend soon & that the process is quick, dwell in this, if just for an moment. remember the sharpness, the way that it’s making your inhale ragged. because when it passes, and it will pass, your first breath will be all the more sweeter and what you see with your new eyes will be clearer. take care sweet girl.
This is typically where I swoop in and say, “Hey, let me go down on you. It might help.”
But I really just want to say that I hope things get better and that you’re feeling joyous again. Soon.
Oh, Staci! I know I’m a complete stranger to you, but I just spent the last week reading your blog from the first post to this one and am so sad to see it end here. I hope things brighten up for you soon.
Hugs and kisses.
Since this is October I initially assumed that your problems stemmed from realizing that the Cubs were, once again, not headed to the World Series.
But that song doesn’t really fit that theme at all, so you’re probably going to have to elaborate.
And Ken might be on to something. Always helps me! (You know, with chicks doing it to me, not, you know.)
Caleb
Wow, girl! That was just painful to read. It was so heart wrenching that I could feel your pain. But I’ve been there and can relate. The moments when you can literally feel your heart breaking. If I were there I’d make you a margarita (or six) and make bad Chuck Norris jokes until you told me to get the fuck out. What are friends for, right? xoxo
I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I really feel you. Please take good care of yourself and I hope you are doing better soon.
I’m not quite ready to share the tale behind this post. That may take some time.
But I will say this:
Heartbreak and pain is always part of the journey. I know they all fail until one doesn’t. One day, I will find the one that doesn’t.
I’ve been feeling a little worse for the wear, a little defeated, confused, uncertain.
And reflective.
But the best reflection of all – really, truly, sincerely – is the light shining back at me from all of you. I know a couple of you. Most of you are complete strangers to me. Scratch that. You are strangers in physicality only. For over the past year I’ve been writing, I’ve come to know you, cherish and love you through your comments and writing. You remind me that I’m not alone. You make me laugh. Think. Grow. You make me better at who I am and who I wish to be. I can’t thank you enough for your empathy, support and kindness. It means the world to me and reminds me how very lucky I am, even in times when I feel anything but lucky.
I thank you for that most special gift, from every space of my heart.
Love,
Staci
Staci, the light you see shining back at you is your own reflection. You’ve managed to attract some pretty fantastic people in your life, in large part because you’re pretty fantastic yourself. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner) that is going to attract someone who sees in you all of what we see, and like us, that person will stick fast. Until that day, know that we consider ourselves
How Very Lucky
To be your FRIENDS.
Love
Jax
The universal experience we never see coming. *sigh*. Another one bites the dust.
I just stumbled on to your blog but… yeah. Hope you’re doing better.
And ps one thing I’ve noticed about the world? When shit is happening? I mean real serious shit, it’s like black-hole shit. Like that shit starts pulling in shit from all over the place – no shit can escape it.
Bad things never seem to happen in a nicely timed manner where we can deal with them. Instead, they all show up at once.
Kinda like Lucy and her BF (what was her name?) and all the candy on the conveyor belt. Only that shit ain’t candy.
I never know the right thing to say when people are feeling down. If you were here, I’d hug you. If you were my bff in a town 15 minutes away I’d be there with sushi, doritos and blizzards (and maybe er…a joint or two
). If you wanted to prowl I’d be your wingchick. If you wanted bash the bastard I can talk shit with the best of them and then dance around like a monkey (perhaps to a choreographed routine) to bring the mood back up…but alas…I’m across a country…and a relative stranger…but this is me…giving you a metaphorical blizzard and that currently overused but oh so on point phrase…it will get better
XOXO
SSD
Jax, until that day and beyond, I will be lucky to count you as my friend.
Nikki – I’m so glad you found me! Thanks for your comment. It’s true, like forms attract, so when drowning in shit, more shit usually comes along and the rescue rope is that shoddily made toilet paper that seems to break at every square. But eventually, you get the hang of it and roll out just what you need. As for the candy, thank god. The last thing I need is shit AND candy :-p
Hope you’ll stick around!
SSD – you know exactly what to say. You just said it and it was a hug from afar. Thank you. It is getting better…