I don’t often write rants. In fact, I never have. But every once in a while, let’s call it once a month, I get a little cranky. OK, little might be an understatement.
So I’m cranky. And PagodaBird wrote me.
He’d sent me a message last week.
I must admit, it was the eyes. Your beautiful eyes.
You can certainly pass for someone 5-7 years younger.
Well, that was certainly nice. Although, the age thing felt kind of like a back-handed compliment. I’m sure he didn’t mean it as such. He went on to tell me that he’d recently moved back to the area after living in another city for 10 years. But he didn’t live in Manhattan. Or any of the 5 boroughs for that matter. I had my reservations about this, but his e-mail was nice enough, and so was his profile.
I wrote him back, thanking him for the compliments.
Would you be interested in meeting up for a drink? There is so much that I’ve forgotten about the city that I’d like to re-learn. It would be nice to have someone to show me around (again).
I liked that he didn’t dilly-dally. I accepted. That’s when he started to lose me.
I’ll let you pick the location.
There was nothing about this that I liked. I don’t want to be Julie-Cruise-Director to his Gopher. I’m a planner by trade. I’m good at it. And I will do it, but nothing charms me more than a man who steps up and takes charge. Someone who asks where I work/live and what I like and puts forth the effort to select a place he thinks I may like. It’s called romance.
Now I know this is only a meeting. It’s not a date. But still. The fact that he wants to ride through it on cruise control makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
I had to travel again for work this week. Yesterday alone was an 18-hour day. So when PagodaBird emailed to ask if we were still on for next week, I asked if he might be able to help me by selecting a venue.
You want me to choose??? Oh boy…I was hoping to have a native to the city help me out…
I liked this even less than the last one. Fine. I fired off an e-mail with a location and time. He wrote back.
Done. Looking forward to it. See? Wasn’t that easy?
My fingers went wild on the keyboard. This infuriated me. Here I am, running on fumes, and this guy is sitting back on his ass allowing me to put forth all the effort when all it would have taken him was a two minute google search and a suggestion. One that says to me, “I want to meet you. You seem worthy of some effort.” It suggests to me how he will show up down the road.
So now, he has suggested to me that he’s the guy in a fucking worn out brown leather La-Z-boy asking me to bring him another Bud.
But then I thought that perhaps I was over-reacting. Remember, Staci, you’re being ruled by your emotions right now. You won’t be cranky in a few days. So I hit delete and will see how I feel on Monday.
But right now? This very instant? I can’t stand him and think Chinese water torture would be more fun than being his fucking tour guide.
.
Staci, I can say you’re definitely not alone in wanting a man to step up with a plan. And, you’re right — Bird might have been feeling playful when he first asked you to pick a meeting place, but he showed some of his real slacker personality with the triple-question-mark “You want ME to choose???” GUYS: If you want a (non-inflatable) love partner, show that you are a man who is in command of your own life — of your career, of your social life, of your health, etc. — and from that point of confidence and strength, you have room in that life for a real partner. That includes planning the date (even just as a backup if she already has a plan), not coming empty-handed, and if you like her, confidently following up afterward. You’d think they’d want to teach this stuff in high school “health” class…..
oh dear. i can feel your frustration oozing off my screen and i’m sorry! just breathe and if you still feel the same way come day of, don’t hesitate to ix-nay.
tho, i can’t help but think that if you’re feeling this strongly about it now, that the irked feeling won’t dissipate.
So – he’s lazy, and patronizing. Charming. Screw him – I’d email him back and say you’re so thoroughly underwhelmed by his attitude that you’ve decided touching up your pedicure is vastly more appealing. Maybe you can attach a link to the CVB and tell him there’s an entire office full of people whose job it is to help him rediscover the city.
What an idiot.
Staci, I’ve been a lurker here for a while (been meaning to comment but time has been limited) and love your blog. I just had to comment on this one… I am TOTALLY with you!
Whoever does the ‘let’s meet up’ suggestion should pick the place – whether it’s the guy or the girl. So maybe he doesn’t know the city backwards, but does he not read websites, blogs or newspapers? Has he not heard of some interesting little place you can perhaps try out together? Yawn. Make an effort!
This guy sounds lazy and used to getting other people to do stuff for him. And as Elizabeth says, patronising. Grrr. *rant over too!*
Lan, I think you’re probably right, and the more I read all of your comments the more I think my instincts are not being soiled by my heightened emotional state.
Elizabeth – I love your comment. I kind of wanna do it
ThirtySomething – Thanks so much for reading and for taking the time to speak up! I agree with you entirely. I’m not sure whether I’m going to meet him on Tuesday. On the one hand, I did pick one of my favorite bars, and bad date usually equals funny story. On the other, I keep such a busy schedule that I’m not certain this guy is deserving of any of my time. We’ll see how I feel that day. And if I’m not feeling it, well Elizabeth’s pedicure sure sounds nice…
Yeah….don’t ask someone out/to meet up if you plan on making them do the work. Although, at least you could pick a place that wouldn’t suck. He might have picked some crappy place to meet. If you’re still this annoyed I’d cancel. But that’s me. I get annoyed easily. lol
Scott – I’d posted a reply earlier, but somehow it went missing! What it said, in a nutshell, was that I feel crazy sometimes. I think we all do. Thanks for reminding me that this is not one of those times. Also, you gave me a great idea. If I decide not to meet PagodaBird, I can scotch tape a photo of my eyes onto the face of an inflatable love doll and send her in my place!
Amanda,
Based on his effort so far, one can only assume that the place he would pick might be a couple of stools next to his refrigerator at home. Mine would be the closest one so that he wouldn’t have to actually open the fridge to grab a beer. That would be my job.
xxoo
LG
The part that irks me the most about guys doing this is like…
Hasn’t a chick mentioned this before…haven’t your girl friends let you in the secret…your mother advised you on how to woo the ladies???
Women like take charge guys. That’s our big secret. Here is all the information you need to not only get your foot in the door, but impress us, spark our interest, and frankly win yourself a fan.
Gentlemen. This is your silver platter. And you’re ruining it.
I want to be hopeful for you. But honestly I’m wasting all my useless hope for myself on twitter guy. lol. why are these guys such douches lol. We deserve better.
That being said. Crossies that his personality just doesn’t “translate” well on the screen and the date is fabulous. You never know. It’s possible
SSD, I’ve been following your slutecdotes!!! Twitter guy sounds positively dreamy. And smart. So you, my dear, continue putting your time and energy and attention into that one, and maybe ask if he’ll write an instruction manual for my lazy suitor
It is annoying when someone does the asking and doesn’t do the planning. But I wouldn’t write him off. Maybe he feels intimidated since it’s not his home turf? Maybe he doesn’t WANT to underwhelm you in some way by picking a place off Google with no recommendations. Anyway, I would give him a shot. Then next time tell him he chooses.
Kelly,
I agree with you, and have decided to meet him – if for nothing more than a bad date and a funny story.
To be clear, while I didn’t like his inability or unwillingness or wherewithal to step up and take charge, my real issue was the “See? Wasn’t that easy?” comment. I found it to be both patronizing and manipulative. But I also recognize that e-mails have no tone, only our perception of it, and so, I will give him one chance to show me he’s a better man than that…
xxoo
LG
Somebody warn this poor bastard that there’s an angry mob of women ready to gut him like a deer for asking the “local” person in the equation to pick the spot. Lucky I do believe you’re a little “crazy from the flow”. I get the whole take charge thing and I support that. But if the guy DOESN’T live in NY and he knows virtually nothing about you, it seems very reasonable for you to pick the spot. I think you’re only hurting yourself and your chances by adopting the attitude that he’s now having to work his way out of some dating deficit. That’s BS.
Willy, if he’d never lived here and he didn’t work here, I’d be more inclined to agree with you. None of my first online dates knew anything about me. Isn’t that the point of getting to know someone? Ask! I’m all for learning about a place from the natives, but his patronizing comment after failing to step up when I asked for his help made his dating equity plummet. Still, I recognize that my attitude isn’t great and I’m working on adjusting it and giving this guy a chance.
I really have to point out a few things here – men we’re taught when picking a place to be respectful of her area and geography, so generally when I was on first dates, I would choose a place close to her area of living – and if I didn’t know the area I would admit that I didn’t know and have her choose. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, having her choose the place, however, in this case the guy hasn’t been in NYC and was asking for a tour guide. He really doesn’t know anyplace in NYC anymore, as it changes every so often. Most men would just choose a place and go, but he’s taking your thoughts and consideration into action here, if anything he’s admitting he doesn’t know anything.
While the last part was playful, if not cocky, I kinda feel that you’re throwing yourself into a huge fit over a little sentence. It’s just words, had he spoken then in a comical tone, it could have been funny, if not jokingly. Maybe he was going for that sort of route.
As far as the other comments that we guys miss an opportunity and are given silver spoons – I don’t think it applies here. If I were in a foreign place and didn’t know what was going on, met someone and wanted to go out with them, what would I do? I could randomly select a place, but what if it was bad, that shows a reflection upon me and my judgement. I believe the guy is doing the right thing here.
And again, this is for a meeting, not a date, so there isn’t much stress to be had, right?
Hi SCG! How nice to see you here, and thank you so much for your comment! It helps more than you know to have the male perspective, or maybe you do know…
You and Willy have a similar viewpoint here, and I agree with you save a couple small exceptions. One: he used to live here. I know the city changes quickly, but we’re not talking about a stranger in a strange land, Two: he works here. Knowing that, it would seem to me relatively easy to ask a colleague, or pick up a local paper, or even google/citysearch/yelp/etc a couple of options and ask me if they were of interest or if I’d prefer to choose, and Three: I’d askedfor his help choosing a venue. Rather than act on that, he dug his heels in. And then playfully, arrogantly, humourously – who knows his intent – sent what felt like a mockingly victorious e-mail about how easy it was for me to do.
It is only a meeting, but aren’t one’s actions leading up to a meeting revealing about who will show up later down the road? Maybe not. In fact, in this case, I certainly hope not. But, I didn’t find his comment all that playful. It irked me, because I’d asked for his help on something that would have been far from a herculean task. I’ve lived in this city for two decades. It is always changing. And I am always discovering new things and places here. I do that by reading. That is just as easy for me as it would be for him.
But, I may have totally misunderstood his intention, his attitude and who he is. Perhaps all these things you point out are what he is thinking and not communicating. And this is why I didn’t cancel our meeting. I’m not throwing myself into any kind of huge fit – the truth is that it was a moment of irritation, and was more or less water under the bridge as soon as I let my feelings loose to the page. Unless, of course, the man who shows up brings more of the same…
I love that you always stay open! Don’t loose that, sister!
Aw…thanks, Nando!
You didn’t mention in your post that he works in the city.
With that little kernel of knowledge I can no longer stand by my previous comment.
That is hilarious! Some men are clueless. Also I think some men have forgotten that even though we want equal treatment in life, we don’t want to be the boss in a love-relationship. We don’t necessarily want him to be the boss either, but in the beginning, we surely don’t want to feel as though we are doing all the work!