how very lucky to be a girl

For me, the main difference between a relationship and a friendship comes down to five simple words (plus an additional three):

I wanna jump your bones (and often do).

Anything else is friend territory.  Sure, I’ve had friends whose bones I wanted to jump.  But they didn’t want to jump mine, we didn’t do any bone-jumping and so the friendship remained just that.  A friendship.  I’ve also had friends who wanted to jump my bones and I theirs.  We did, and while sometimes sex is just sex, other times those friendships entered relationship territory.

The reason I got to thinking about this is the result of a dialogue that had been sparked by an earlier post of mine.  One reader observed:

You place WAY too much emphasis on a guy’s physical appearance. Reading your earlier blog posts, I see you are willing to forgive nearly every other shortcoming if a guy’s pictures are hot enough.

Was this true?  Was I placing too much importance on a man’s physical appearance?  Was I really willing to overlook the important stuff if a guy was hot enough?

I combed through years of dates, relationships, one-night stands and other romantic encounters and exploits for the answer.  And they all had one thing in common.  I had been physically attracted to them.  But physical attraction was only the appetizer.  This attraction might compel our initial choices, but a lasting relationship is built on much more than that.  Behavior, humor, values, goals, and personality mean much more when it comes to staying together.  But physical attraction is still a vital component.

(Adapted from Live Science)  There are countless studies into the rules of attraction.  Scientists have studied every shape and angle of the human form, measured the reactions of people’s pupils and salivary glands in response to sexual stimuli, taken male and female attractiveness rankings based on smelling armpit sweat, and collected information from many a survey.  The list goes on.  And still the rules are not understood.  And the explanation for how they factor into lasting and true love is probably even more elusive.

But here are some scientific facts:

1. Human beings, and many animal species, select mates either consciously or unconsciously, through the observation of symmetry in their physical features.
2. Men are shown to prefer women with a low Waist to Hip Ratio, while women prefer men with broad shoulders.  Both indicate proper estrogen and testosterone levels in a partner and are an instinctual attraction to a healthy mate.
3. The structure of a person’s face gives insight into fertility and often informs physical attraction.  For women, this is her narrow lower face and brow, with the opposite being true for men.
4. Pheromones and scent have long been acknowledged in playing a role in our physical attraction to a partner

So if science has embraced the idea behind physical attraction, why can’t we?  I understand that physical attraction is not the key to a lasting relationship, but it may be the key to a spark.  And I fail to comprehend the campaign against it.  I fail to comprehend it because I actually tried it.  I went out with Chef Fred despite a lack of attraction.  He seemingly possessed all the key qualities that mattered to me beyond that.  But without physical attraction, we did not have the possibility of a romantic relationship.  I also went out with Headless Mike.  The Caveman.  There were countless others.  Men who had bad photos but had written interesting things.  And every single one of them amounted to the same.  I wasn’t attracted and I had just wasted time meeting them to find out what I already knew.

To be clear, one’s physical attractiveness does not necessarily imply perfection.  No one is perfect, but we all have physical traits that we find attractive.  And what is attractive to me may not necessarily be attractive to you.  My Prince Charming might be repugnant royalty to you, but that’s the beauty of attraction.  There is someone for everyone.

I’m looking for my someone.  The someone who is smart, thoughtful, motivated, educated, cultured, irreverent without ever being insulting, polite, romantic, funny, interesting and interested…The someone whose bones I want to jump.  And so I decided that while photos are imperfect, as are the limited words on a profile, they are all I have from which to decide whether or not I’m interested in a meeting.  From my experience, everyone seems to look as good in person as their worst photo.  And so if I can’t find some level of attraction to a suitor’s worst photo, I’m not going to engage.  Conversely, if a guy has photos that appeal to me, I’ll read his words.  If his words seem interesting, then I’ll meet him.

I’m not sure what major and obvious shortcomings I have forgiven in men because I liked their photos.  I haven’t entered into a relationship with anyone nor have I had sex with any of my on-line dates.  So what is it that I forgave?  What compromise did I make in deciding to meet someone whose photos and words were attractive to me?  And how is it that I appear to have failed in having done so and then observing, as I did with Mr. Casual Sex and also with Shirtless Torso, that they weren’t the guys for me?  I’ll you tell you something, though.  If I’d accepted certain aspects of their profiles as “red flags” then I wouldn’t have met two of the kinder more interesting men that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.  Each of them was much more than his photos, and much more than his words.  Each of them was a perfect gentleman in my presence.  Neither of them were right for me, but as mistakes and regrets go, the only one I could have made would have been not to have met them.

I think my point is that I can not think of an instance where I willingly compromised what I want in a partner because he was hot.  But I can name a number of instances where I willingly compromised my physical attraction in hopes that the other stuff was enough.  It wasn’t.  And I learned my lesson.  I need and deserve both.  We all do.