Mr. Torso hadn’t done much in the way of planning for our date, especially considering that he’d had a week to think about it. So when he came to me with an offer of meeting him right near his apartment on one of the coldest days of the year, I was none too pleased.
And my response showed it:
really? you’re gonna make me come all the way uptown on this freezing, freezing day?
i’d prefer that we meet somewhere in the middle so that neither one of us is dragged out through the elements more than we need to be and both of us can get home with ease.
He wrote back quickly.
I didn’t know where you lived, no problem. Pic a place in your hood then, I will b driving so it’s not a problem at all.
I sent him some options. He asked me to choose.
I went with Merchants so we could sit by the fireplace. I’m obsessed with fireplaces right now because it’s fucking freezing in New York. Anyway, I arrived about 10 minutes late. He arrived about 5 minutes after I did.
When I first saw him, I was relieved. He was actually kind of sexy. He was very tall and lanky. His loose fitting clothes held to his body just enough to show that he was naturally, beautifully toned (of course, I already knew this since his profile photo was that of a shirtless torso). He had nice eyes behind a fashionable pair of glasses. Beautiful hands. His hair seemed full and soft despite a receding hairline. It suited him. He wore a soul patch beneath a warm smile that showcased his good teeth.
He approached me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. And then he spoke.
Imagine all those good and sexy things with the voice of Mighty Mouse. It was awful. I suddenly knew what it must have felt like to be Robin Givens meeting Mike Tyson for the first time (minus the fact that my date probably couldn’t decimate anything with his fists). This voice was so incongruous and so distracting. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get through the night.
There was something odd about him. Something that seemed less than manly, but maybe that was just his voice? He certainly was not a “guys’ guy”. He ordered a cosmo. And asked me what color my nailpolish was. He liked my watch and wanted to get a closer look. He said he loved my hair. He asked if I wear necklaces. It was all just the slightest bit awkward, were it not for his seemingly genuine interest.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing here with this man. We did not appear to be a match. I felt like Liza Minelli on a date with one of her gay husbands.
But then he touched my leg. And seriously it was like a jolt of electricity had just been pumped through my entire body. Oh. My. God. It’s got to be a fluke. But he drove me home and kissed me goodnight, and if I hadn’t been seated my knees would have given out.
So in the grandest irony yet, I avoid men who post photos of themselves half naked because those men are typically only interested in one thing. And here I am, with Shirtless Torso. He wants a relationship. And all I want is sex.
so you're not interested in a relationship at all with him? is it 'coz of his mighty mouse voice? it's a shame isn't it. i'm a big fan of the baritone voice myself.
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Loved this post!
I also generally avoid the half-naked dudes myself due to the whole only wanting sex thing, but your Shirtless Torso guy is definitely bucking the trend.
Perhaps you can coax him out of his pants on the second or third date despite his desire for a relationship?
Jo – He's not the guy for me, which is a shame because he's a lot of good things. He's a talented do-gooder artist, observant, kind, generous, well traveled, loves kids…all of which I admire. I'm not sure I can articulate my feelings without seeming shallow, but it's more than just the cartoon voice.
Claire – thank you so much for reading! Thrilled to have you here and look forward to seeing you back. Hope you'll share some of your own stories and insights along the way, since i'm fumbling through romance and can use all the tips i can get
Skye – I like how you think and I'm right there with you!! I can't imagine it will be all that hard to convince him :-p
xxoo
LG
Priceless.
I'd be turned off by a guy whose voice I didn't like. With this guy, imagine you're having sex and he starts saying something in your ear. Would that be a turn off?
Oh Lord, girl, I feel your pain. My first husband was a gay hetero — which is what I think your shirtless friend probably is, hence the vague discomfort you can't quite place — with a high voice, and it was like nails on a chalkboard hearing him squeal into the phone, "No, this is MR. Ex-Stefanie! MR! I'm a man!"
Angelika – yes it absolutely would! Thank you for that brilliant reminder.
Stefanie – thank you for sharing. I think, as was the case for you, this would become my own nails on a chalkboard (if it isn't already).
Shirtless Torso called Monday after our date on Sunday and asked me out again (I sure wish that Funny_bone had done that). I said yes, but I'm really on the fence about what I will do. All of your comments are helpful to me as I consider my options, what I want and what is best for me.
Thank you!
You are a good writer. This post for some reason accentuated that for me. On topic of Mr. Soul Patch though, I have a feeling that he'll be good in bed if you two do get into it. The feminine touch screams pleaser, though I don't exactly know why.
Thanks so much for the kind words, AC!!! As to his bedroom prowess, sadly, we'll never know. Ultimately, I knew Mr. Torso wasn't the guy, and it wouldn't have been fair for either or us if I'd continued. But I would venture to guess you're right – he was a strong, observant, and sensitive guy who probably would have taken great pleasure in pleasing his partner. I think he'll make the right woman very happy someday.